This month I found myself in a spot where I was doing a lot of "doing", and by that I mean I was trying to "do" a lot of things in hope to appease God or try to earn His love. I would almost have this imaginary to do list in my mind. Read my bible…check! Sing a pretty worship song…check! Lead a bible study…check! Tell someone about God…check! Now I know that yes, Jesus loves me…we sang that song as kids in Sunday school. And I seemed to really grasp that concept less than a year ago, geez even last month I felt that; but in all honesty this past month I haven't felt the love. I've been on this downward cycle exhausting myself trying to feel this love, trying to experience God, trying to "do" so I can receive love, coming to a place of doubt about if God really loves me, is He even real? And trying to do as many good things so I can feel better about myself. I told God I just wanna quit! And that's exactly what I did, I gave up and I stopped "doing".
Somehow that's exactly what God wants us to do, to throw our hands up, give up our control and let go.
All He wants is for us to stop "doing" and just trust and know that it isn't by works that saves us, but it is faith. Simply believing. There is just something about this concept that doesn't really make sense. It seems…too easy, yet it brings me so much peace and relieves me of this worry. This truth of faith pulls me out of this mind set, that if I just do enough I will be accepted and loved. So now I can crinkle up that imaginary to do list and toss in my imaginary garbage can. *Exhale* Phew! That heaviness that was hanging over me reminding me of how much more I should be doing and how I suck when I fail to meet this fake bar I've set in my mind about what's "good enough" is gone. I know I will never be accepted by how good of a person I am in God's eyes, but because I simply believe that Jesus loves me and I walk in that. I walk in light and I am loved, I am accepted, I am free.
I stumbled upon an old post of mine that was written to the hurting and broken hearted. I never realized it would be something I would be scrolling back to.
Child of Mine,
Do you know how much I love you? I love you more than the birds I made, more than the colorful fields of flowers and trees that I decorated the earth with. I love you more than the deep blue sea and all the creatures in it. I love you more than every animal walking, creeping and crawling on the mountains and desserts. I love you more than the stillness of snow and the roaring waves shouting My praise. Child of Mine, I love you more than anything else in this world!
Child of Mine I will never abandon you. I will never leave you nor forsake you. Even when you walk away from me and go so far in the opposite direction, weather it's for five minutes or twenty years, I will never stop thinking about you and loving you. I will always be waiting for you.
When you come back to me hurting, bruised, broken and bleeding I will have my arms wide open for you. I AM and always will be here to listen to you, to heal you, to love you, to cry with you, to laugh with you, to give you hope and direction, even if you mess up over and over and over again, I will never change my mind about you!
Child of Mine I will make you a new creation and give you new life, life in abundance! Whatever has been broken I will restore it. Whatever you have lost I will replace it with something better. I will always accept you, no matter where you are in life. If you are tired and burdened I will give you rest and take the weight you've been carrying for far too long. I will bring you freedom! And I will give you joy and I will give you peace that will surpass all understanding. Child of Mine you are beautiful, you are precious, you are never forgotten, you are forgiven! Child of Mine I will always love you!
Your Creator, Your Heavenly Father, Your Savior
"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but The Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken."
Hope your weekend is swell and that you rest in the love of your Heavenly Father. Oh and remember to keep that to do list for around the house chores only!
- Grace xo