Paper Thin

"Honesty is the best policy"

Take those words and run with them. Make them your daily mantra. Put them on a tshirt. Write a song based on them! Because there is nothing more good and true. 

This week I have once again learned-- or was reminded by God-- the importance of transparency. My lovely friend Leesette told me after I confessed my feelings on a car ride home, that there is something even more cowardly about pretending that you have it all together than admitting you are scared or are feeling weak. That. That struck me right in the heart. For me personally, I really REALLY don't like appearing weak. As you can tell by my attempt to convey my emotions in writing, I still need some healing in that area. I am not yet completely confident with the idea that it's ok not to be ok-- but I'm getting there.  

With magazine ads telling us we need to look a certain way and hundreds of years of history silencing female voices, girls aren't exactly setup with everyone in favor of them appearing strong and confident. I think partially for that reason I have unknowingly taken on a burden of always appearing like I have it together because I hate the idea of someone thinking I am incapable of doing something. Combine that with people pleaser tendencies and a fear of failure and I am pretty much naturally just not a vulnerable person. I beg of you please PLEASE learn from my mistakes: do not confuse vulnerability with weakness for it is the furthest thing from it. I have come far enough in my "walk towards honesty" to know this truth even before this week's mess of emotions, but I definitely needed to be reminded.

Being vulnerable allows others to see that you are not perfect. They can suddenly recognize that they are not the only ones who have faults or struggles. It adds a beautiful air of humanity and gives you one heck of a wake up call that our simple human nature needs Jesus to survive and thrive. It is beyond tiring and stressful holding things in and it creates distance between you and and the ones you love. It is so hard to be truly close to someone if you won't allow it. Vulnerability allows you to not only fight your battles as a pack and not as a lone wolf but it also creates intimacy with others. It opens up a door for someone else to open up to you. Not to mention it also leaves room for someone to speak life into you and remind you of the truths that may have slipped your mind.

I can't say just yet that I love being vulnerable but I love what it does. I can still be a strong, fierce, confident, driven person and be vulnerable at the same time. I will choose to let my pride get hurt every time if it means it will bring me some level of freedom. Opening up to someone is putting wings on the weight that held you down and letting it fly away. Don't stop yourself from living in the freedom you were created to live in.

Last year was an incredibly hard year for me and I remember writing in my journal that I felt so spread thin that it was as if I was as "fragile as paper". I think I'm seeing now that the thinner you are spread, the easier it is to see through whatever facade you are trying to create to appear strong. So if you are not ok please admit it. Let others love you, for you are so worth loving. 

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." John 8:36